Oprah: Ari, what’s shakin’? Where you been? What you doin’?
A: Since the mitral valve dilation, been pretty good. Essentially quiet life. Been gaining weight slowly but steadily except for the 3 week RSV diet. RSV is bad bad bad for kids like me who already take 6 medicines to help my heart and keep my lungs clear. Because, when you need meds like that, what you really want is a lung infection, right? At least now I know what it feels like to be an 80 year old chain smoker. Something to look forward to.
Since then, pretty quiet. Still not eating much by mouth, but when I’m not sick, been keeping food down pretty well. To give you a sense of what the mitral valve dilation did for me, before I went in I was throwing up 3 or 4 times a day. Ate no solid foods. Nothing by mouth. No toleration of high calorie formula. We overnighted at the Barf-o-Rama hotel.
Now up a little on formula calories. Eating a little solids. I throw up here and there, but not every day.
And, get this, my breathing rate per minute while sleeping was 60+ breaths before the mitral valve. Now it’s more like 30+. So big big difference in cardiac function.
Does my heart look “good.” Well, can’t really say that with ventricular dysfunction and a busted pulmonary valve, but it’s on the better side for me. Good-ish. Fine-like. Acceptable-asterisk.
Timothy: Ari, do you prefer sweet or sour pickles? The world wants to know!
You think I made this up for the mailbag, or do we have actual family history with the Yodeling Pickle? Hmmm…
Eating is Overrated: Ari, since you are the authority on everything, I will ask you. My husband and I are arguing over whether it would be acceptable for me to order a prime rib in a restaurant. The problem is that my GI system doesn’t work, so if I swallowed the meat I would vomit, thus wasting the food. My opinion is that I could simply chew the meat, and then discreetly spit it out without swallowing, (but still wasting). His opinion is that I should be happy sipping on water and watching him enjoy steak or pizza or whatever, and then use the money we save by not ordering me food to do an activity that I can participate in. Who is right?
A: Lemme get this straight. You can’t digest food, but you want prime rib, and your husband said no? Okay…
Go to the restaurant and order the prime rib, but bring your dog as she’s a nice girl. Chew and enjoy, then give the “softened” prime rib to the dog. Food no longer wasted. Problem solved there. Then ask nice doggie to whack your husband across the punim. That way he gets the bitch slap he deserves.
And justice for all.
Julie: Ari, when chipping to an uphill pin, do you club up?
A. Being only in the 1st percentile on the growth chart, my short game is very good. Meanwhile, I play 1 club golf as, with my skill, don’t really need the other 13. So the question is moot. Sorry can’t be of more assistance.
Erin: Question from Kane: “How you eat that pickle without barfin, man.?”
That’s a fact, Jack. See you in Italy.
Linda and Nancy: So AriMan, who’s your pick for Best Picture this year?
Is Ishtar nominated?
Not sure about the other categories, but Elmo Ducks is a shoe in for best musical.
Hilary: Have to know – boxers or briefs?
Cris: What are your thoughts on politics? I hear rumor that in about 34 years you’re planning on running for President. Is there any truth in that??
A: My schedule is pretty tight. Not sure if there are openings in 34 years. Will check with my admin team and get back to you. Plus, not only am I the president of the fake valve club already, I’m also a client.
Terisa: Hubby says send JW to public school when he’s old enough, I say private. Might have reached a compromise in a charter school down the street. Hubby says he should go public b/c he did and he’s fine and he got a good education. I say private b/c parents tend to invest more in their child when paying out of pocket so therefore kids tend to behave better (not as disruptive and prob not as many guns due to parents actually being involved in kid’s life) so teachers are not having to discipline 1/2 the class hour, therefore better education. What are your thoughts? And do want to go private or public?
A: Stirring the pot with a little education debate, ay Terisa? Everyone that meets me says, if I were theirs, they’d home school because they’d miss me too much.
I’ve met Hubby so not so sure that’s the greatest argument for the public school system, but I’d say, with the utmost certainty, go with my answer on the underwear question.
Nancy: What are your favorite things to do to pass each day?
A: My favorite thing to pass each day? Poop! (Oh, to do to pass each day…will think about it and get back to you.)
Pat: No question, just want to tell you, you are soooooo cute……..
A: Awww…thanks Pat. How you doin’?
Taylor: Are you excited about your baby sister yet? Probably not- but watch out! I so love seeing new pics of you any old time, you amazing little warrior.
A: Still not so sure I have a grasp on the whole little sister thing yet. I hear babies whine and stink and puke all day. How uncivilized.
Kim: You’re the cutest pickle muncher I’ve ever seen!!!
A: Coming from someone that has a pickle muncher fetish, this means a lot, Kim.
Deborah and Karen: Love the sweater! What do you like for entertainment? Do you watch PBS or Disney? Watch Big Bang theory? What is your secret of how you get cuter and cuter every time you get your picture taken?
A: More of a Netflix guy. Battlestar Galactica. Friday Night Lights. Weeds. Prison Break. Arrested Development. Youtube, I’d have to say the Elmo Ducks song, Elmo song, Elmo and Katy Perry. Elmo Elmo Elmo!
Ruth: Do you like NASCAR & if so, who’s your pick for the Daytona 500 on Sunday? I’m a Tony Stewart fan.
Doug: Two questions. I don’t want to put you on the spot BUT what is your favorite book and your favorite author?
Jill: Ari’s gotta be pulling for the hottie Danica. And Doug, totally a loaded question…
A: Danica = meow. Rainmaking Conversations by Dada. And Jill, I got your totally loaded right here…