First off, enjoying my vaca here in Flaahrida. Evidently vacationing at the G-parents’ house is a bonus for the parents since you can’t give me to just any babysitter. Even though I’m a treat and a half, you gotta be trained up right to watch me.
Been enjoying the pool and the beach. Had a nice visit from fetal cardiac intervention brother Eli who lives here in Dixie. And went to my first Sox game. Only spent 3 innings in First Aid cooling off. It gets hot down here!
It was nice, though, heading in to First Aid and just telling them that I’m not just any schvitzy kid. 30 seconds of the story and they rolled out the couch for dad and me to stay just as long as we pleased. A little A/C and I was ready to go back out and see the Sox blow the game at the end. Do they do that?
The red carpet treatment at First Aid caught my attention. I have to say, there are few advantages to having a heart that is, shall we say, repair prone. But that doesn’t mean there are no advantages.
Just recently, when I went to the hospital because of a nasty respiratory infection. There must have been 30 kids in the waiting room. Then I heard the triage nurse say, “I looked at this kid’s history. It just earned him a free pass into a private room. No sitting with sick kids for this little guy.”
This got me to thinking, “Who are you callin’ little, sistah?” And just after that, “How else can I cash in on the science experiment cranking away inside my chest?”
A few things come to mind:
- Let’s say someone has something I want. Handful of cash. Hoodsie. Yodeling pickle. Anything. I could pull a full on Fred G. Sanford, “Elizabeth, this is the big one…I’m comin’ to join ya, honey!” People might actually take me seriously and give up the goods.
- Will probably win karaoke contests if I sing Heart Attack by Oliva Newton-John. A) It’s such a quality tune. B) Who’s gonna vote against me?
- If I ever get dumped, I’ll be pretty used to dealing with the broken heart.
- But then I’ll get more chicks because of a veritable cornucopia of pickup line possibilities available just to me:
- “Is there a helipad nearby, or is my heart just taking off? No, wait, I think it’s SVT. Anyone have any ice?” (Heart moms will get this one. Sorry normal cardiac people.)
- “I think I might turn to a life of crime, and make it my mission to steal your heart. But before I do, what’s your blood type, and can we get you an echo?”
- Me: “You could get arrested, you know.”
- Babe: “What for?”
- Me: “Stealing my heart. But then when the cops find out what you stole, they’ll just laugh at you.”
Endless possibilities. Each one funnier and more charming than the last. Watch out, ladies.
- This whole threat of ‘failure to thrive’ should land me some serious cookies, candy bars, and ice cream for the foreseeable future. Who’s gonna say I shouldn’t eat them? Talkin’ to you, Michelle Obama. (1. This will apply if I ever start eating solid food. 2. FYI, I’m gaining weight slowly but fine on the feeding tube.)
- In kindergarten when everyone else is learning to draw hearts, I’ll be the only one to sketch and name all of the valves correctly. Gold star for Ari!
- If I lose a fight in the school yard, the other kid just beat up on the heart kid. Nice work, tough guy! If I win a fight, someone just got their ass kicked by the heart kid. Few other people have this advantage. If you want to know what it’s like, ask any member of the Charlotte Bobcats.
These are all the advantages I can think of now. If you come up with anything, let me know. Back to the pool.