Archive for May, 2012

The following was taken from the president’s introduction of Ari Francis Danger Schultz’s commencement address at Harvard Medical School earlier this week.

I’d like now to introduce today’s esteemed speaker, but it’s never easy to introduce someone that everybody already knows. Nevertheless, I’d like to put the most interesting man alive’s address into context for you all.

I’ve spent the past several weeks reading his previous speeches, reviewing his books and poetry, and studying his movie, television, and Claymation body of work from his previous 12 weeks of life, which are also his first 12 weeks of life.


Today I have both the honor and privilege to introduce to you international spymaster, professional wrestler, and pop icon Ari Francis Danger Schultz.

<Wild applause!>


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Action stations, action stations. Set condition one throughout the ship. This is not a drill.

Drew: Hello. Hi everybody. How you doin’?

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don’t matter.

Yes, that’s right. The points are just like U.S. House of Representatives.

Now, let’s get the show going with a game called 90 Second Alphabet. This game is for me, Colin Mochrie, and Ari Francis Danger Schultz. Wayne will time us. Every sentence has to start with a word using the next letter of the alphabet.

What’s the scene here Wayne?

Wayne: Drew and Colin, you guys are important cardiologists. Professional wrestler and media darling Ari is your patient. You’re discussing Ari’s upcoming surgery on Thursday.


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International spymaster, professional wrestler, and pop icon Ari Francis Schultz on overexposure, open heart surgery, and Old Spice.

Tell us about “The Decision.” Why did you make the move?

Children’s Hospital was my home for more than half of my life. I’ll always have a special place in my heart (get it?) for the team and fans there, but it was time I took my talents to Stow.

As a part of the New Big 3 – Moms, Schultz, and me – I think we can really do something special, something worthy of the record books. With Ray Ray and Toby coming off the bench, we have some real depth, too.

And who knows what will happen in the draft in the next few years…

Word on the street is you are considering a run for national office. Tell it to us straight. Will you run?


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