Action stations, action stations. Set condition one throughout the ship. This is not a drill.
Drew: Hello. Hi everybody. How you doin’?
Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don’t matter.
Yes, that’s right. The points are just like U.S. House of Representatives.
Now, let’s get the show going with a game called 90 Second Alphabet. This game is for me, Colin Mochrie, and Ari Francis Danger Schultz. Wayne will time us. Every sentence has to start with a word using the next letter of the alphabet.
What’s the scene here Wayne?
Wayne: Drew and Colin, you guys are important cardiologists. Professional wrestler and media darling Ari is your patient. You’re discussing Ari’s upcoming surgery on Thursday.
Drew: Before we get started, quick, somebody on Facebook give me a letter!
Facebook audience: Gimel.
Drew: I haven’t worked in Hebrew since my Bar Mitzvah. Anyone know English?
Facebook audience: K, for Kim Kardashian.
Drew: All class, Facebook friends. K it is.
Colin: Kinky sex injuries in the E.R. all night. Gotta scrub my forceps.
Colin: Machete patient was a doozy.
Drew: Nothing nearly as exciting for us this afternoon.
Ari: Oh? You think my surgery will be that simple?
Colin: Puh-leez. We could do your operation with a butter knife, duct tape, and WD-40.
Drew: Ross procedures require special expertise, but no quacking. Huge surgery. Heart-lung bypass. Moving valves around. Detaching and re-attaching coronary and pulmonary arteries. Takes a good 8 hours. Good thing you have us for yours this Thursday.
Colin: ‘specially since we have to remove so much endocardial fibroelastosis as well. (To Drew) Next time you’re out picking up chicks, say “endocardial fibroelastosis.” Get’s ‘em swooning.
Ari: Tell me again why I need this surgery?
Drew: Under anesthesia in the cath lab last Friday, your cardiac function was way down. Your health was “fragile” and managing your procedure was “delicate.” We had to breathe for you for a day afterwards.
Colin: Valvuloplasty with the balloon, which would have been your 5th, was not an option. Too much leakage from your bum. Valve, bum valve. Sorry.
Ari: Why not repair the valve surgically?
Drew: X factor here is that, after 4 tries fixing your valve, it keeps…well…breaking. Next time get a Maytag.
Colin: Yes, I agree. Car is totaled. 86 it.
Ari: Zoiks! How worried should I be?
Drew: All the kids who’ve had neonatal Ross procedures at Children’s Hospital Boston are alive today, but about 10% or so with your types of problems don’t make it.
Colin: Baby Schultz, you’re in good hands. Even though we are somewhat confused by your pulmonary hypertension, we think the Ross is the best thing for you.
Ari: Can you ask my administrative assistant to hold all calls? And cancel my lunch with Clooney. How long will I be in the hospital?
Drew: Depends. Surgery Thursday all day. Next few days we leave your chest cracked open because if the bleeding is bad we need fast access. Then extended quality time in the CICU until you bounce back. The over/under on a month is about even.
Colin: Especially (see how I added the “E” this time?) for you, because the nurses all have crushes on you. Move over Scott Baio, here comes Ari.
Ari: Fans can be like that. The nurses are all so nice. I’m their #1 fan.
Drew: Good thing they’re all so purty, too.
Colin: Hot…peppers on my sandwich today, please.
Ari: Is this all you guys think about?
Drew: Jelly beans, too.
Colin: Kim Kardashian likes jelly beans.
Ari: Like to see her when I get out. Humphries is a fool. Have her people call my people.
Buzz buzz buzz
Drew: That’s all the time we have for the show today folks. Tonight we’re going to end with Ryan Stiles reading the as credits Mitt Romney studying Us Weekly in preparation for a campaign interview with MTV News.