People get all twisted up in their skivvies when it comes to writing. I’ve always thought if you can answer the following three questions it makes it much easier to get down something sensical.
- What do you want the reader to learn?
- What do you want the reader to feel?
- What do you want the reader to do?
Here are my answers for today:
- What’s up with me.
- I have no freakin’ idea.
- I have no freakin’ idea.
You’ll probably feel that I’m cute and such, but whatever I write, that’s likely to happen just from the picture. You can sort the rest out with your shrink.
In terms of action, I suspect some of you will want to meet me and gimme some lovin’. Some of you will be keen to pop out some more kids of your own. Perhaps others will start researching IUDs and vasectomies. Who knows what you’ll actually do, though. I heard you’re the volatile type.
It’s really not your fault, though because, frankly, I have no idea where I’m going with this.
12:02 a.m. ZzzzzzZZZzzzzZZz…Aw, come one peoples, get that thing out of my mouth! I’m trying to sleep here. ZzzzZZzzzsuck suck suck suck….zzzZZzzzZZZ suck suck suck…tasty…stop poking me. I’m sleeping.
12:17 Oh thank the lordy lord that she’s tubing the rest of the food. Back to dreaming about what every 5 month old dreams about: Will Congress sort their shit out before we hit the fiscal cliff or what? I’m glad Bernanke gave them a stern warning to act responsibly, and to do so before we approach…
12:18 Methadone, Ativan, Sildenafil
12:19 …Puff the Magic Dragon lived by the sea…ZzzZZZzzzZZZzzZZZZzzzZZZ
1:57 Lasix, blood pressure check, temperature, once-over
2:17 Lifted by crane to remove Lasix-pee-diaper
3:07 Repeat 12:02
5:20 Awake. Chatting with Elmo who, coincidentally, is also here at the hospital. Poor little red guy must be on steroids because his face is round like a balloon! I won’t bring it up, though. He’s sensitive.
5:24 Visit from Elizabeth, one of my nurses from when I was a youngster. She likes snuggling, so we spend a little quiet time together. Evidently she’s been by a few times, but I’ve been sawin’ logs in here. Note that I’m very popular with the nurses in the gen pop part of the hospital. Visits for Ariloveaction are frequent. A big plus for staff retention here on the floor. You’re welcome, HR.
5:57 Listening to nurses talk about how many Weight Watchers points are in the cafeteria double-size chocolate chip muffins. Personally resolve to reduce portion size.
6:00 to 6:22 Breakfast! Hungry, but counting points now, so I only eat half of my meal. Rest goes in the tube. This gets me to thinking. Americans are at the same time overweight more than at any other time in history, and the weight loss market has balloon to an estimated $58 billion. The stress the obesity epidemic is creating in the healthcare system is likely to…
6:23 Methadone, Ativan, Sildenafil, potassium supplements
6:24 … Slow ride…bow wow wow…take it easy…bow wow wow…
6:55 Shift change. Nurses outside my door in steel cage match. Winner gets me for 12 hours.
7:12 New nurse. Hey there darlin’. Is that you saying bahbahbah to me? Check out my restraint. Holding off…holding off…wait for it…wait for it…(I always find that a bit of silent tension and some strategically placed aloofness hooks ‘em…) “Wham!” Flash the smile. Got her. I flash a extras, too. Best to get a few deposits in the goodwill bank. I may need to cash them in if there’s a Level 1 Code Brown later in the day.
7:32 MAAMAA! MAAMAA! YAYYY!!! Can’t hold it off for this lady. Lord, she makes me feel lovey dovey. And the paparazzi dude who keeps saying “Dada” to me is here, too. He’s OK, though I do have to caution him periodically about overexposure on Facebook.
7:41 Man, I’m tired again. ZZZzzzZZZzzz….
8:33 Doctors here making noise. Telling Mama and Dada the following:
- Making good progress with feeds, though we agree that the heavily fortified formula may be messing with him. We’ll just have to watch. Now that he’s up just over 50% of his targeted calorie intake, we might pull the feeding tube and start pushing him.
- We’re being cautious on the Ativan, methadone, and clonidine weans because we think he showed some withdrawal in the past, though we might speed up a bit because he’s doing well, and we’re not really sure anyway.
- Plan is to get off of oxygen in the next few days, keep seeing how he does with feeds, and echo early next week to take a look at the heart.
- Assuming the echo looks okay, because if it doesn’t all bets are off, timeframe for going home is when his eating and weight gain get on track. Could be as soon as next week, but it will take as long as it takes. Ari will tell us when he’s ready.
- Expect some progress and some backtracking along the way.
- Assuming he gets out of here soon, we’re all hoping for a uneventful life at home for 4 to 6 months. Then Ari will come back so we can balloon the Melody valve to keep it it right-sized as he grows and stay ahead of the game.
9:00 Meal time. Same stuff again. Tired of it. Only going to eat ½ by mouth. I’ll probably have to scream for 5 minutes to get them to give up and tube the rest. I’ll scream. They’ll give me a break. They’ll try again. I’ll scream. And so on. You know who’s gonna win.
9:22 WAAAHHH!!! WAAHHH!!!!
9:31 Smile fest. I think I’ll stay up for a bit and enjoy. We go for a walk around the floor. I’m loved and enjoyed by all. Funny watching Dada drag the oxygen around like I’m an old man. Part of my charm.
10:15 Physical therapy time for me. I have been flat on my back for the last 10 weeks or so after all. Bye by lovey Mama…hello Sergeant Mama. Attennnhut!
11:30 WAAAHHH! WAAHHH!
11:40 They keep asking, “What could it be?” as they try all the usual, but incorrect, soothing methods. Dude, I’m hungry.
11:42 “Maybe we should try a bottle a little early?” one of them says. Right on, brutha.
Intermission – Feed, smile, sleep, visits, drugs, Grateful Dead songs. Feed, smile, sleep, visits, drugs, Grateful Dead songs. So forth.
6:55 p.m. ACTION STATIONS! ACTION STATIONS! Emergent Code Brown in my room! Set condition one throughout the ship. This is not a drill. (Hey, this is my diary, not the old man’s. I can call action stations if I want to.)
7:11 Nurse Jess burns popcorn. Almost gets a code red alarm at the hospital for reals, but tragedy averted. I will not let her off the hook on this for at least a few weeks. Also, I slept through this, but I told her I’d include it in the diary. If you’re smart, you’ll take care of your nurses if you’re ever on the inside.
8:33 Awake and contemplating world peace. But wait, the world is not at peace. Rebellion in Mali! North and South Korea! Tom and Kate! WAAAHHH…WAAHHHHH! WAAAHHH!!!!
8:40 “Maybe we should try the bottle again?” one of them says again. Going to the well too often, dude. That’s not it. WAAAHHH!!!
8:57 No, I don’t want the bottle. Something is stressing me out over-and-above geopolitical tension. I’d tell you, but I’m just not that good of a communicator yet. And, no, I’m not going to eat one drop! WAAAHHH!!!
9:28 OK, I ate a few drops, but thank the cosmic cookie they’re going for the tube with the rest. I’m calm now, but I just can’t put my finger on the distress. Did they wean the Ativan too fast? Do I not like the additives in the formula? Is my feeding tube bothering my throat and exacerbating my reflux? Cardiac distress? How will the Duke boys get out of this one? Just can’t say. (No one thinks cardiac distress at this point. Heard that before, though.)
10:00 Clonidine, potassium supplements, Lasix, Sildenafil, blood pressure check, temperature, once-over
10:44 Awake. Bored. Wet. Mama? Dada? You there? Musta gone to their cribs for the night. HELLOOO!!! ANYONE AROUND!!!
10:46 Oooh, a pretty one! Hi there. I’m Ari. We haven’t met. Come here often? Whoa, coug, going for my pants already? How about a little romance first?
10:47 Oh, sorry. That’s the Sildenafil talking. Stop smiling. Not funny.