The following was taken from the president’s introduction of Ari Francis Danger Schultz’s commencement address at Harvard Medical School earlier this week.
I’d like now to introduce today’s esteemed speaker, but it’s never easy to introduce someone that everybody already knows. Nevertheless, I’d like to put the most interesting man alive’s address into context for you all.
I’ve spent the past several weeks reading his previous speeches, reviewing his books and poetry, and studying his movie, television, and Claymation body of work from his previous 12 weeks of life, which are also his first 12 weeks of life.
Today I have both the honor and privilege to introduce to you international spymaster, professional wrestler, and pop icon Ari Francis Danger Schultz.
I know. I know. I feel the same way.
<Wild applause persists…much whistling…bras thrown on stage…>
Okay okay. Let me walk you through why Ari Francis Schultz’s visit here is so important to you, this institution, and, yes, the future of medicine.
Ari Francis Schultz is a man of constitution, intellect, charm, and looks far beyond what most of us can dream of for ourselves or for our children.
Ari Francis Schultz’s contributions to human kind, and commitment to the common good, cannot be overstated, even by someone as portentous as myself.
From an early age, Ari Francis Schultz was blazing new medical paths. He was the first person ever to have successful heart surgery twice before birth.
Within hours of joining us here on our little planet, he had his first heart procedure, followed shortly thereafter by his second. These procedures temporarily improved his aortic stenosis, though they did nothing for the extensive scar tissue on the lining of his left ventricle or his persisting pulmonary hypertension.
Just last week, Ari Francis Schultz endured his greatest medical battle yet – open heart surgery at Boston Children’s Hospital. In just 1 short week, he:
- Underwent a catheter procedure that revealed a “fragile” heart and persisting pulmonary hypertension. He thus needed an immediate, “definitive” solution to these life-threatening problems.
- Endured a Ross Procedure, whereby he was placed on heart-lung bypass, his aortic valve was removed and replaced with his pulmonary valve. A homograft was inserted where his pulmonary valve used to be. And his EFE (scar tissue) was carefully resected throughout his left ventricle.
- Spent the last 6 days in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit recovering. For the first several days, he had more equipment and wires on him than the Six Million Dollar Man.
- Asked, just a few days ago – via mental telepathy since he was on more narcotics than the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1977 – to have his breathing tube removed to prepare for this speech to you people. He loves you people.
Back to this week, when the breathing tube was removed, his airway was inflamed. Thus he needed extensive breathing support via BPAP to get enough oxygen to his body, and nitric oxide and to lower his pulmonary arterial pressure below systemic levels.
Regarding his pulmonary hypertension, before the surgery he did not respond to any treatment at all. Now it is beginning to seem that he is. The long-term consensus from his medial team is that, over time, we will be able to get this life-threatening hypertension under control. Though, how long it will take is unknown – we’re told months – and it is in no way a certainty.
As of a few minutes ago, he was still on moderate BPAP breathing support with Nitric Oxide, was heavily sedated with pain medication, and was sound asleep.
If he didn’t have this speech to give, he would likely rest comfortably in CICU for another week or more, and spend at least several more weeks – but who knows how long really – in the hospital until returning to his normal insane schedule.
Again, by telepathy, he told his doctors he needed to be removed from all supports, to be buffed up by any means necessary, and to be escorted to this very stage to address you, the future leading doctors of the world, with perhaps the most important advice you have ever received, or will ever receive until your dying day.
And so I bring you a man who proves that a single life with purpose can change the world.
Please join me in welcoming international spymaster, professional wrestler, and pop icon – indeed, the most interesting man alive – Ari Francis Danger Schultz…