Echo of Hope

These days I think of myself as a 2000 Saleen S7 Twin Turbo. (You were probably just thinking that, too, right?) Stunning and sleek, the ladies love me. I can go from zero to 60 faster than you can say intracardiac wires, but I’m delicate, so be gentle. Try to test my limits and I’ll be back in the shop needing more replacement parts.

It seems the doctors feel the same way, because now that I’ve been doing quite well for a week or so, nobody wants to push me. They’re taking me off of breathing support and medications slowly. I mean slow for realz, slow like a bale of turtles charging through a vat of Nutella. Goodbye Speed Racer, hello Rollin’ With My Homies.

Meanwhile, I’m doing swell. I asked my doctor what he thinks is going to happen.

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Great googly moogly…let’s not do that again!

Look, I know just because I am who I am you all think I’m like some crazy-ass superhero who can take anything, but this open heart surgery thing is getting old. I mean, I’d like to get home before I qualify for an AARP card.

In the meantime, here’s quick update on some important doings. Still living in the cardiac intensive care unit here at Boston Children’s Hospital. I’ve been here now for about 80% of my life. A really long time, right?!?

To honor me, or something like that, I was interviewed by the Boston Children’s Hospital blog, Thriving. Nifty stuff.

Here’s a sample:

Ari, how’s life been treating you these days?

Well, you might say after two heart surgeries before birth, two balloon catheters shortly thereafter, and a major open-heart surgery at 12 weeks old that it’s been a bit of a grind. But you play the cards you’re dealt. Win the boobie prize? Make breast milk. That’s what I say.

You’ll also find my answer to the question, “Michael Jackson had the world in silver gloves. Madonna in ripped fishnets. Superman in blue Underoos. How will you have the world to emulate you?”

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Last week, after Ethan went with the angels, Erik, his dad, was telling me about him. Erik said that conversations with Ethan were great. He told me how Ethan was kind, smart, and funny.  How much he liked music. How he’d start each day dancing away with the nurses in CICU.

It’s no surprise that Erik said Ethan was his best friend.

Mothers, they’re rarely shy of telling us, bond with their children in the womb. Perhaps I’m alone in this one, but when Ari came out, I looked at him and thought, “Whose kid is that?”

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Warning. As a Schultz, I learned grossly inappropriate humor at an early age. Today I’m pulling one out circa 1982 that’s about a 6.5 on the inappropriate scale. It may not even register on the funny scale.

But what can I say, it’s late, I’m tired, my son needed CPR for a minute or so in the cath lab, doctors brought up heart transplant for the first time today, and I don’t have much in the tank.

Indian guy (Elizabeth Warren-style) in full head dress walks into a bar. Goes up to a girl and says flatly, “Chance.”

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Action stations, action stations. Set condition one throughout the ship. This is not a drill.

Here’s how it works.

Popcorn. Please turn off cell phones. Dim lights. Previews…and we’re off.

Superman’s having a relaxing day as Clark Kent, lounging around the Daily Planet making moon eyes Lois when arch-nemesis Lex Luthor launches his sinister plot to defeat him and take over the world.

Caught off guard, seemly poised this time to fall to Lex and his evil henchpeople, Superman rises to the occasion, unravels the plot, finishes Lex and crew, and flies off into the sunset with Lois in his arms.

Then the lights come on, we all go out for ice cream, and head home for the rest of the day.

Two or three years later, what happens?

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From Jessica Lindberg, “Our beloved Ethan, our special boy went to be with Jesus this morning around 6:30. He fought so hard and we are beyond proud to be called his parents. The last 7 years have been an honor. Our hearts are broken but Ethan’s is whole. Thank you for loving him and us.”

Ethan Lindberg, May 20, 2005 – June 12, 2012

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My buddy Ethan’s in the steel cage match of his life. He better win because I have some serious plans for him and me.

Ethan. The man. The master. The legend.  Here are 10 things I gots in the works so far.

1. Use the “Jack Johnson and I are tight” line to pick up hot chicks.

2. Make sure Jack Johnson isn’t using the “I know Ethan and Ari” line to pick up hot chicks without sending some our way.

3. Fly fishing for sockeye salmon in Alaska. Who am I kidding. Drink all day and night in Alaska, and tell people we went fishing.

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They say every publication has its own special lens through which it reports the news of the day.

Let’s say, “World to end tomorrow at noon.”

You might find:

• New York Times: “World to end tomorrow at noon.”
• USA Today: “World to end tomorrow at noon. American’s share their reactions. See pie chart.”
• Wall Street Journal: “World to end tomorrow at noon. Stock markets to close early.”
• Fox News: “World to end tomorrow at noon. Still under Obama’s watch. Romney poll numbers rising.”
• Boston Globe: “World to end tomorrow at noon. Kennedys gathering at compound. This just the latest in the list of Kennedy tragedies. See page 6 for the Kennedy tragedy timeline.”

Then there’s us. If it were another day, you’d find here on Echo of Hope, “World to end tomorrow at noon. Ari to climb Everest naked with one hand tied behind his back carrying a Sherpa. To finish by 11:30 a.m. so he has time to write his memoir before  sun winks out.”

But, like many men of his stature, Ari has his dark times. Funks of depth that would crush a mortal man.

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The following was taken from the president’s introduction of Ari Francis Danger Schultz’s commencement address at Harvard Medical School earlier this week.

I’d like now to introduce today’s esteemed speaker, but it’s never easy to introduce someone that everybody already knows. Nevertheless, I’d like to put the most interesting man alive’s address into context for you all.

I’ve spent the past several weeks reading his previous speeches, reviewing his books and poetry, and studying his movie, television, and Claymation body of work from his previous 12 weeks of life, which are also his first 12 weeks of life.

Fascinating!

Today I have both the honor and privilege to introduce to you international spymaster, professional wrestler, and pop icon Ari Francis Danger Schultz.

<Wild applause!>

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Action stations, action stations. Set condition one throughout the ship. This is not a drill.

Drew: Hello. Hi everybody. How you doin’?

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don’t matter.

Yes, that’s right. The points are just like U.S. House of Representatives.

Now, let’s get the show going with a game called 90 Second Alphabet. This game is for me, Colin Mochrie, and Ari Francis Danger Schultz. Wayne will time us. Every sentence has to start with a word using the next letter of the alphabet.

What’s the scene here Wayne?

Wayne: Drew and Colin, you guys are important cardiologists. Professional wrestler and media darling Ari is your patient. You’re discussing Ari’s upcoming surgery on Thursday.

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